Well, this is my final post on this journal, I'm moving to Xanga. So if ya'll really want to keep reading about me, goto www.xanga.com/jelkins my AIM is jteiv, and my new email is jelkinsiv@gmail.com . i don't know who reads this thing, because my primary readers no longer read this, but how knows maybe there's someone else. So good-bye bravejournal, and hello XANGA.

How good is God's grace? I have seen Him work in so many ways these last few days, months even. He has completely brought me to the end of myself. Which is awesome.  I feel so free, I've acknowledge my mistakes, apologize to a plethera of people, and start the changing. While I realize that this road will be a long one, one that never ends actually, I won't be alone. I have for 20 years put off trying my best in order to do what I want, well, I'm tired of what I want, I only get pain, lonelyness, and discontentment...yep, all done. The things of God are so much better, so much more perfect. I had to call and apologize to my parents last night, and guess what I feel so much beter, more free. The only thing to do keep this is to just do my best in all I do, not always going to be fun, but always be rewarding. I have found my best friend in Jesus, he has always been my friend but never my best friend. I feel so good. i know that this won't always last, but to know that I have a family, to have friends, to have a God that will never leave me is an incredibly comforting feeling. Anyways, will  you please comment, it's kind of disheartening to never have anyone comment. Well, this is also the last of these weird post, so maybe that will encourage some comments...??  

Well, today, we had a memorial service for a guy who died over Thanksgiving break. Excellent service, extremely challenging. Who Am I? What have I done to further the name of Christ? I have been so cunsumed with my problems and my goals and my worrys that I have almost completely neglected Gods work in my like, I mean my devos started to slip. But then last night I got to counsul one of my roommate, he came to me...not my PC. That was a very humbling experience, and only through the grace of God did I help him. That simple act, and the service this morning, real place hard on my heart. Recently there has been one thing on my mind...a girl. Who is a mere human girl compared to Christ, the creator, the GOD who loved us soo much that he died. The Creator of everything who doesn't need us, he could destroy us all and start over, but he didn't he choose to die on a cross, a cruel painful death, to cover the sins of a whole who would reject Him. How great a love is that? My desire and dreams mean nothing when compared to that.

Not only did he die for us he provides for us. Right now I struggling a bit with something. I gave my self something, i tried to keep it, then it left. That Thing I had was amazing, but I tried to give it to myself. How much greater does out father love us? Would he give us a stone when we asked for bread? No, the thing God has in store for me will be so much better that the things I give or take myself. For what he takes away he gives back 10 fold.

So who am I? I'm Christs, and what he has for me will be better that anything I can give myself.

ANYWAYS on a lighter note, you know ya'll could comment of tag. That would be greatly appreciated. I mean as much as I write this for myseld, i still likek to hear from ya'll. Thanx.

Life's weird, sometimes it will just smack you up side the head and your whole world will change, well I recently had that happen to, but thats not what I'm talking about. It's the your whole world will change part, but more importantly, how you percieve your world. I have been doing a lot of reading, nothing related to this topic, just a few novels, and a few insirational/ spiritual titles. I've also been doing alot of watching, people that is, my soul searching, and a whole lot of praying and Bible reading. I realized something, I mean I knew it, but I didn't see it. As I look back on my life I realize (now) that I had been percieving life as a treadmill full of stumbling blocks. I just had to avoid these blocks and I would reach "my life". Thought my mind travels, I have noticed something. Life isn't a treadmill and those aren't pesky stumbling block to avoid. Life is a path, one that I'm already on. I'v been waiting to "start my life", but I had to wait too many "stumbling blocks", like college, bad jobs, too young, ect. I had hope that one day I'd arrive and be an adult, and every thing would be differend...HAHAHA. Boy, was I living in a fantasy. When I look at people, it's those who work hard who get to play hard, it's those who are determined that don't have to worry about if they tryed hard enought. When you give it your all you can't complain. Well, I have not been giving it my all, I've been trying to as little work as possible so that I could just wait this out till my life started. Well, I know see that these stumbling blocks are really stepping stones to reach plains that I could only hope on day enjoy, these are what i get to do so that I can be who I am, not things that I must endure, till life start. This was quite a realization for me, this concept has been doing to hookie-pookie outside of my conscious, every now and then "putting his left foot in" so that I would begin to wonder. This is a quite the epiphone, this simple realization can improve my life and all my relationships(especially parents). But now it's a battle I see, not one that I try to ignore. The battle became easier, but it's still a battle. And there is  still the aspect of the spotlight, but I can't go into that now, I gotta get some work done.

Well I think that this is goinig to be a long post, but I could be wrong. Well just got back for choir tour, we went to PA. Mostly good trip, except when I got sick. Well it all started on Thursday. We left right after chapel, and drove for 5 hours. On the way we stopped at a travel store, and I bought a book (which was the start of a trend for me). Life Expectency by Dean Koontz. Excellent book, Made my desire for a family increase. Highly recommended. If finished the book on thuesday. Well back to thursday. Got to the church did our concert, nothing special. When to our house, a newlywed couple living in a small house, they took 5 guys. Oh and the had a SUPER NINDENTO, but wait they also had a super scoper...YES!! Well we played that and I beat it (see I'm humble). Well I when to sleep early. Well we got up, got ready and left (Oh they lived 30 minutes away and in Michigan) well 5 minutes after we left there house, we pulled up to a stop sign, so we waited and he pushed the gas...nothing, we had blown the transmission on thier van (which was there church van, 5 guys and luggage). so we pushed it into the nearest parking lot, which was ironically a AAA. Well we sat in the car and waited and then A guy came up, he worked there, we explained what happened,then he told us he was a Christian. So we fellowshiped while we waited. Then we got to church 2 hours late. Another funny story, not from my experiance, 2 girls when running and got lost, and they didn't know who they were staying with, but the had a church bulliten on them (??) so then calll the church, but while this was going on the family then stayed with went out looking for them and got a flat tire...interesting morning. Well anyways, the next night we stayed with an older couple, but again they were newlyweds, so we stayed up and chatted, actually it was mostly me and the wife, we talked about all sorts of stuff, like travel, antiques, family, it was alot of fun. The next night we stayed with a family, 1 kid in thier house, sophomore in highschool. We watched Nepolion Dynamite and I played Kingdom Hearts. Oh, on friday we stopped and i went to a combination book and mattress store...weird, huh. And I got a Nicholas Sparks book, The Rescue, not finished with that one yet. This where I started my quest, to find a CD...THE CD. Anyways the next night we stayed with a couple...rich couple...no kids, unfortunately. I had the best tomato soup I'd ever eaten, and i'm not huge fan of tomato soup, but it was delicious. It was home made, So they gave each of up a jar...Yumm. So the next day we sayed with a younger couple with a little 1 year old, but he had to got to bed when we got back, so i was bummed. cool dog though. next night we where with a family, 5 kids...it was a blast, Jimmy and I stayed up most of the night playing with thier 3 year old. Oh, we were standing in the kitchen, and thier kid took off his pull up, ran buck naked into the bath room to do his business, then he came out (still naked) and made a bee-line for me and hugged my leg...it was funny. Anyways, we left for the morning, and the couple who we stayed withs father drove up to the church, but he came back after dropping us off, Jimmy forgot his shirt, but I relized that I had forgotten my lunch, so i said i should get it out of his car, but he told me that he had brought a different car. So he gave me $20...sweet. So later that day we went to baltimore, so Me, Jesse, Joel, Amanda, and Millisa (spelling?), took off. This was our group. So we went to B&N first,I went straight  to the CD's and I found it...Celtic Women for $16, I was stoked, so i bought it. We later that day i bought some sushi...it was really good. that night we stayed at the church, well the guys did, so i went to bed early, I wasn't feeling well. So the next day after we sang, during the message, i had to leave early and i went to the bathroom and just threw-up like 7 times...and on the way to the camp(where the guys stayed that night) i threw up like 8 more times...I was sick..really bad. And I learned a lot of self control, by not calling someone i wanted too so bad. Anyways the next few days I felt like a train had run over my , my whole body was sore...ouch. But the last night we stayed with a family, they had 3 kids (11,9, 6) So we played some PS2 starwars episode 3 , and the me and thier 9 year old daughter played lightsabers...she was good, even drew blood, well they guy gave me a book too. OH i fogot about wed. we went to hersey (which was a littl ehard for me) and went on the free ride, my group was even chosen to do a special taste test..score. Well after hershey world, we went to the hersey outlet mall when I bought 2 more books and a CD. I bought the 5 love languages for singles, and the sacred romance, and I bought the CD Micheal Buble' ( love track 3, 10, 9, actually it is a very good CD, listened to it like 10 time already). So it was a fun trip, while I wasn't sick and I actually got over my fear od infants...weird, huh. by the end of the trip i was hopping that we were going to say in a house with one. I'm weird. Anyways this wasn't that, long, but i mostly makes no sense. Sorry. Well i should probably got do some work. Later. 

I GIVE UP TRYING!!!!!!

God, it's in your hands, you know what I want. Let your will be done whatever it maybe. I trust you to do the best for me. Only you can help, people fail, but you don't. You can make up for my failures. God, please, just do your will.

Well this has been an interesting weekend, unfortunately not a very good one. My weekend on a whole was good, but I wasn't doing so good. I domn't know where to start I have so many things running throught my head right now. Well, I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

Friday:

On Friday I did manage to get off work to goto play practice, it was a rather uneventful practice. But we started at 6 (not 7:30) and only did one run thought, oh, and Yaffah's teacher was there to critique us and during this I talked with Katy. Well, after play practice Yaffah surpised us with a party at her house. So we went over there and chilled out, we played some Catch Phrase and watched Star Wars Episode III. It was a good flick. And then I talked to Katy. Well at midnight we all called it a night (mainly because that was when our passes were filled out to). But unfortunately I had to work that night so I got up at 3:50, to be at work at 4, and I worked.

Saturday:

I did alot of thinking during work and after work  I called Katy and asked if I could talk to her before I left for my mini choir tour. So at 10 I talked to Katy (see a pattern here?) I will tell you later what happened later, but right now I talking about my weekend. So at noon we left for our mini-tour, and we drove for a few hours. We got to Morten, Illinios at a nice size church, We set up our stuff, and practiced then the familys that we were to stay with arrived. So Stanley, my roommate for the tour, and I found my familty, 2 other guys were to stay with them also. Well we got there and walked in to the living room and to our surprise saw a 60" plasma screen High-Def TV, with built-in surround sound. Well we watch some football, and A movie on TV, then we watched the sequel to the movie we watch, but we watched the actual movie, not on TV. Well, we (and by that I mean thier son) turned up the surround sound, and we were literaly shaking the house. And I fell asleep. Well I woke up ate a piece of applae pie (with peppermint Icecream, wierd choice I know, but thats what she gave me) and went to bed.

Sunday:

Well we got up, had a killer breakfast, and went to church to sing. We went to sunday school after warming up, I went to the sunday school class about familty, which turned out to be about raising kids. The pastor sermon was also about parenting. Wierd. Anyways, we had pizza for lunch, OH, when we were at the house we stayed with we had the best pizza, Monocles. It was the best thin-crust pizza. Anyways at church we had Dominoes Pizze, and instead of my custumary almosr entire pizza, I could onl eat 2 pieces. Well, we left and when to shamburg (I know I spelled that way wrong). We sang and ate, nothing eventful, can back and when to bed. Nows it 5:30 and I'm at work.That was weekend, see not bad, but know comes the bad part.

 

Well I just read a killer poem, it was by Katy. You can read it here. The poem is about winter. I have no idea how katy meant it, if she meant it as just a pretty poem (less likely) or a deeper meaning (more Likely). All I know is what I got out of it. The poem talks about winter and how it is rather a cold dead time. Sometimes we have this time in our live where everything seems to be dying, where there seems to be no life in our lifes. Admitedly, I too sometimes have this outlook. But then I realize that thought the world looks bear it's not, thought the the barren trees look dead there not. Thought the squirrels can't be seen, are they dead I think not. Life still abound, good times still abound, Frosty the snowman is a snowman of cheer, winter is the season of cheer. These things aren't dead, They resting, The trees are growing stonger, growing stronger than they do during the other season. They may not be growing bigger, but they are growing stronger. And wait till spring cause that tree (as long as it survives the winter) will sprout leaves again. O!, the wonders God's creation. We are the same as these trees I think. We have hard time, time of strengthening, Thought they are not fun, and it's really cold, you will grow stronger, your roots will be deeper, your bark stronger. So when the spring come, you'll be able to grow bigger, because you are already stronger. And during the Spring, there are occasional storms, some smal, some massive, if not for the growth during the winter you'de never survive it.

Wow, I don't think I've ever read that much into a poem before. Anyways, It like 5:30 AM I've been up working since 4:00. I'm sleepy. I have to work tomorrow, and my play director needs me at practice, and I can't find a replacement. ARG! I leave for our mini-tour for choir, we leave Sat. and get back Sun. it should be fun. Meet some new people (which I am actually looking forward too) and sing some songs. Praise God! that should be our life. Ouw life should be a ourward manifestation of your walk with God. Our face need to radiated the Glory of Christ as Moses's did when we recieved the 10 commandment. When you spend time with someone who knows cars, after just a little while wih him (or her) you can tell that they love cars. I'm trying to make my life the same way about God, I want people to meet me and be able to tell that I serve and love my God with all my heart. That is my prayer.

Well, I should start studing for my Compy Test. Peace out, honkies.

 

What I thought was unthinkable happened. Last Monday my girlfriend of 1 year and 23 1/2 days broke-up with me. It was the single hardest day of my life. I love her, no questions asked. But in talking with many wise people, devoring my Bible, ceasless prayer, and the two books I Kissed dating Good-Bye and Boy meets Girls, I relize that it was in the best intrest for both of us. I don't like admitting it but Katy was right. I relized that I wasn't right with God, I did alot of soul searching. I was not right. Our relationship did not honor God as it should have. Niether of us were ready for marriage so why were we looking for someone to marry? I looked at my life and relized that I was acting like a small child. As you could read in previous entries, this has happened before, but something else happend that hasn't happened before. I totally gave my life to God, not "gave alot over to God" but everything, even my future relationships. This is not something I had done before. I had not given my relationship with Katy to God, I was trying to keep our relationship together. I wasn't trusting God to sustain our relationship and I wasn't trusting Katy to choice me. I was a selfish, jealous baby. Too bad I relize this now. While Katy arn't saying No to a 2nd try were not expecting it. If God has us together than nothing can keep us apart. I only hope she grows to see me as the man I've become, not the baby I was.

Another conclusion that I've come to is that if your not ready to get married your not ready to date. You shouldn't date just because, and you shouldn't look for someone to marry until your ready to marry. The reward of Intamacy should match the level of commitment. So even if Katy said we could try again...for right now, I would have to decline. I need to devlope and prove myself as a man, a future husband, and a follower of Christ, before I can consider a relationship. I want to be ready to get married, spiritual, leadership-wise, financially-plan-wise, before I can concider a relationship. I need to use my singleness as an opportunity to grow. I don't feel it will take me long to get ready for marriage, but I also need to find perfect peace in my relationship with God. He need to be firmly planted and the head of my life before I can plant a second relationship. I need to relize that God is all I need, even though a wife would be nice.

I desprately want Katy and I to stay friends, close friends even. But for the time a relationship is not wise. While this is hard, and I feel like a little baby crying so much, this is right for right now. The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.

Long time no see. Well I figured I should actually write in this thing again...so here it is. Alot has changed since my last post, and I won't be explaining that now. I just wanted to tell you about something that just happened to me. I was just at my girlfriends blog and i scrolled down and saw a picture of her. I just sat there for like 10 minutes staring. Wow, she is so drop-dead-gorgeous, she is so godly, she is so kind, she is so caring, she is so compassionate...she is so amazing. I am the luckest man on the planet for having her. I need to tell her this, tell her how much she means to me, tell her how must I respect her, how much I admire her. I also want to tell everybody that reads this that I love her. Katy, I love you.