What I thought was unthinkable happened. Last Monday my girlfriend of 1 year and 23 1/2 days broke-up with me. It was the single hardest day of my life. I love her, no questions asked. But in talking with many wise people, devoring my Bible, ceasless prayer, and the two books I Kissed dating Good-Bye and Boy meets Girls, I relize that it was in the best intrest for both of us. I don't like admitting it but Katy was right. I relized that I wasn't right with God, I did alot of soul searching. I was not right. Our relationship did not honor God as it should have. Niether of us were ready for marriage so why were we looking for someone to marry? I looked at my life and relized that I was acting like a small child. As you could read in previous entries, this has happened before, but something else happend that hasn't happened before. I totally gave my life to God, not "gave alot over to God" but everything, even my future relationships. This is not something I had done before. I had not given my relationship with Katy to God, I was trying to keep our relationship together. I wasn't trusting God to sustain our relationship and I wasn't trusting Katy to choice me. I was a selfish, jealous baby. Too bad I relize this now. While Katy arn't saying No to a 2nd try were not expecting it. If God has us together than nothing can keep us apart. I only hope she grows to see me as the man I've become, not the baby I was.

Another conclusion that I've come to is that if your not ready to get married your not ready to date. You shouldn't date just because, and you shouldn't look for someone to marry until your ready to marry. The reward of Intamacy should match the level of commitment. So even if Katy said we could try again...for right now, I would have to decline. I need to devlope and prove myself as a man, a future husband, and a follower of Christ, before I can consider a relationship. I want to be ready to get married, spiritual, leadership-wise, financially-plan-wise, before I can concider a relationship. I need to use my singleness as an opportunity to grow. I don't feel it will take me long to get ready for marriage, but I also need to find perfect peace in my relationship with God. He need to be firmly planted and the head of my life before I can plant a second relationship. I need to relize that God is all I need, even though a wife would be nice.

I desprately want Katy and I to stay friends, close friends even. But for the time a relationship is not wise. While this is hard, and I feel like a little baby crying so much, this is right for right now. The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.